Yassss. This apple gives me lifeee!
Fruits are the shit, and they can transcend #basic health benefits to provide a sort of empowering swag that can’t be captured in a food pyramid. Antioxidants, vitamins and minerals be damned.
The fruits in the first ever Big Balls power rankings below are not necessarily the best tasting fruits, but the produce that actually produce the largest cornucopia of life.
Without further preamble, here are the April 2015 Big Balls Fruit Life Power Rankings:
1. Bananas
Bananas are by far the most versatile and empowering fruit. It’s B-A-N-A-N-A-S how many different life-giving ways you can use them (‘sup Gwen).
You can take a nice, ripe Chiquita and make it a gun. Or a telephone. You can put bananas in cereal and start your day right, or put peanut butter on them for a brotein-filled afternoon snack after clangin’ and bangin’. Or just put it in your pocket and walk around smiling.
The peel is also an advantage this master fruit has over other coatless crops. It can be used to make bad people slip and fall or to dominate Mario Cart: the N64 game of an entire generation.
And you can make it into a dolphin and put it into tropical drinks!
2. Pears
Pears are coming for you bananas! And it’s all thanks to Rick Ross. In an interview with English DJ Tim Westwood, the Hood Billionaire revealed last summer pears are a key factor in his recent 100+ pound weight loss (along with #RossFit). Holy cats you need to watch the interview:
“I eat pears now and shit. Shoutout to all the pear.” Pure gold. I can’t get enough of this. How did I go so long without knowing about this meme?!
3. Peaches
Butts are so hot right now. Butts give me life. Peaches look like butts:
Everyone with a butt is dominating life right now (Nicki Minaj, Iggy Azaela, Ashley Graham, J-Lo, all the Dove models, Chris Christie and this lady I saw in real life at the bar).
Note: Nicki Minaj plays a mammoth named Steffie in Ice Age: Continental Drift that makes fun of a mammoth named Peaches, which is obviously not cool and does throw a little shade on the good things peaches have going right now, butt I’m going to let it slide because The Pinkprint is just so freaking excellent.
Similar to how long peaches stay ripe, this run at #3 probably won’t last. Empowerment is about more than butts, and although peaches give life for a short amount of time (think slutty college years), you’ll probably turn to more wholesome fruits to nourish your mind, body and soul in the future. Speaking of which…
4. Oranges
Oranges are halftime. Halftime is oranges. Umbros. Sunshine. Happiness.
Oranges remind me of a simpler time when my only worries were if Anna circled yes on my note and how I was going to beat that pesky goal keeper far post. That orange nostalgia can really keep things in perspective. Oh, a non-paying attention #basic just stepped on my new kicks because she was talking about how her life should be a reality show? Halftime. Ugh, I’m now sitting front row at Fast & Furious 6 because Roger was Tindering instead of getting his swoop theater presentable? Halftime. Damnit, I’m eating Lucky Charms out of a goddamn solo cup for dinner because all my dishes are dirty and the respectable sandwich I was going to eat is now a fairy tale thanks to moldy bread? Halftime.
5. Apples
The cool thing about apples is there’s a different kind of any sort of mood you’re in. Feeling Fancy? Shine on with a Gala. Going-over-the-river-and-through-the-woods for Thanksgiving? Bring some Granny Smiths. McIntosh’s are great for cranking out blog posts on the ‘puter.
(Including the different varieties is kind of cheating, but the varieties are pretty great.)
The ‘ol Red Delicious has also been important to science. We learned about gravity thanks to Sir Isaac Newton’s ponderings under an apple tree.
Apples are also the unofficial fruit of fall, and everyone knows fall is the best season.
Note: John Chapman (aka Johnny Appleseed) is rolling over in his GD grave right now. Sorry, John. I know you didn’t do all that seed planting to come in at #5 on this list, but Rick Ross and Nicki Minaj.
6. Grapes:
Grapes would be much higher on the list if Xerxes or Mark Anthony were the author of this blog. Getting fed grapes by sexy Cleopatra would easily give the most life out of any fruit/situation discussed, but I don’t think that really happens anymore (but could be a great couples costume condolence for the BF if he’s forced into being Zeus to your Aphrodite this Halloween). Grape drink also has mad swag, and Olivia Pope wouldn’t be able to fix anything without her Pinot Grigio Gladiator fuel.
7. Pineapple:
Fun fact about pineapples: if you put one upside down in your shopping cart at the grocery store, it means you’re a swinger. Spongebob’s favorite fruit can also be sliced and used in a ring toss game if you’re super poor and it’s a great, yet often overlooked, cheer accouterment around the holidays: on ham for Christians, and in sweet and sour chicken for Jews. Pineapples also look a bit like Bowser, which is cool, and they’re probably the fruit that can best be used as a self-defense weapon should you ever get mugged in the grocery store parking lot or humped by an overzealous swinger in aisle 69.
Alright, those are the fruits I deem worthy of the first ever Big Balls Fruit Life Power Rankings. I realize there were some pretty notable omissions, strawberries and raspberries for example, which are actually two of my favorite fruits based on taste alone. However, they’re just not doing enough extracurriculars beyond taste to make the list right now. Maybe in the next rankings.
Until next time, shout out to all the pear.