Love is patient. Love is kind. Real love is raw and uncut. Real love makes you write poems about another man’s butt (more on that in a bit).

We all have eyes. Tom Brady and Kliff Kingsbury are hot men. They’re not just pretty faces, but guys you’d be happy if your sister married. (Ladies: If you’re unfamiliar with Kliff, he’s the Head Football Coach at Texas Tech.) My friend Brock is passionate about Kliff. My friend Ricky daydreams about Tom.

Left to right: Brock, Ricky

Up until today, I’ve been the guy gazing helplessly out his frosty train window at his long lost love on the platform, observing two of my friends make their love case for Tom and Kliff from a distance. Quick barbs on social media. Overheard inside jabs in my living room (where the sausage/bun ration was 4:1 btw). Well, this hotness debate train has just pulled into the Big Balls Station. It’s time to get down to brass tacks and find out who’s hotter. Throw some Same Love on your headphones, feel the love and enjoy the debate.

Kliff Kingsbury is hotter, by Brock:

I was given the assignment of defending Kliff Kingsbury as the best-looking male on the planet. Went to look for one picture, and came to about 45 minutes later. How is it possible to get lost in someone’s eyes whilst wearing sunglasses? The man has every ovary in the state of Texas on lock-down. Ask 10 chicks at Weber Shandwick who the hottest male alive is—9 of them, without hesitation are coming at you with Gosling. Well wouldja look at that? Straight doppleganging that ass. And don’t even get me started on that swoop.

Tom Brady is hotter, by Ricky:

When the thought of Tom enters my brain,

My penis goes absolutely insane,

The thought of Brady laying on his back,

Makes my wiener do a jumping jack,

With the face of God and eyes that undress me,

Inside my urethra develops something that’s not pee,

All the man does is win and plow bitches,

When I’m done with him Tom may need some stitches,

Now don’t get it twisted you all know I’m still straight,

But that doesn’t mean I don’t want Tom’s face on a plate,

Although he wears Uggs and may be a tad metro,

His face belongs in my lap while I massage his swooped flow,

My eyes are closed now and I really should wake,

But there’s one fact from this you all need to take,

Thomas Edward Patrick Brady,

Makes me want to literally become a lady.

Wow, it’s hot in here. Not sure that much screen steam was safe for work. Now that you’ve heard both sides (and probably spent some time on Google Images, who do think is hotter?