Every year around this time Shel Silverstein gets a big head. Five-year-olds everywhere are force- fed his “poetry” in classrooms everywhere, while his book fair sales soar and he struts around like a peacock. I ran into said ‘cock outside a Chicago library (Shel’s hometown) and challenged him to a rap battle. In his drunken back-to-school gluttony, he only rapped poems from his best-selling children’s book, A Light in the Attic. This is what went down…

Shel:

When the light turns green, you go.

When the light turns red, you stop.

But what do you do when the light turns blue with orange and lavender spots?

Jake:

You sound like homeless Dr. Seuss,

Horton Who Heard a Who, would take his caboose,

And drop a big elephant deuce,

On you, if you ever rolled through,

And brought this shit to Whoville’s attic,

It’s only verse one Shel, please, no need to panic.

Shel:  

If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore

Jake:

You come back at me with dishes?!

At least try snitches, hoes, or bitches.

I guess you rhyme for kids in kindergarten,

Beg my pardon, but it’s time you fuckin’ toughen up your jargon,

Just like Durant, I got a backpack fulla raps,

And I’m only gettin’ started,

You sittin’ where the sidewalk ends, feelin’ lonely like James Harden.

Shel:

I’ll take the dream I had last night
And put it in my freezer,
So someday long and far away
When I’m an old grey geezer,
I’ll take it out and thaw it out,
This lovely dream I’ve frozen,
And boil it up and sit me down
A dip my old cold toes in.

Jake:

I’ll take the dream I had last night,

I was in a fight, with a bearded man, old and white

He wrote a song for Johnny Cash,

Before doing that, he busted his ass,

Climbing the stands, handing hot dogs to poor Chicago Cub fans,

Didn’t graduate college,

I guess that’s what you consider droppin’ knowledge,

Then I woke up,

The beating was almost too much, and I felt bad because…

#JakeWhoppedShelsAss almost shut down social media,

Now I’m shuttin’ down this verse, #ThanksWikipedia

Shel:

One day he said, “I’ll tell this town
How it feels to be an unfunny clown.”
And he told them all why he looked so sad,
And he told them all why he felt so bad.
He told of Pain and Rain and Cold,
He told of Darkness in his soul,
And after he finished his tale of woe,
Did everyone cry? Oh no, no, no,
They laughed until they shook the trees…
And while the world laughed outside.
Cloony the Clown sat down and cried.

Jake:

That’s a clown ending bro,

I’m done, I need to go,

You’ve clearly had all you can handle,

The light’s out in your attic, someone get this man a candle.