Photo taken from my bed

This NuMale erectile dysfunction billboard is the last thing I see before I go to sleep. Yes, it’s visible from my bed (and my living room and the rooftop common area of my building).

One night, it caused me to have a ROLLERCOASTER of a dream.

It started with a magical montage of me performing at my best in every area of life.

I texted friends back right away. I won a Cannes Lion for a funny-because-it’s-true ad campaign about co-parenting on Keto. The lions in these trophies turned to real lions and they personally guided my wife and I on a safari. We went whale watching on this same trip, and while Moby Dick breached in front of our eyes, Herman Melville himself handed me a typewriter. With said typewriter, I wrote a letter to my parents and parents-in-law telling them they’re going to be great grandparents and they hopefully won’t have to wait that much longer.

Then I was back in Chicago, but the magic didn’t stop. I rode a horse named E.D. into my living room and beautiful flowers were everywhere. My urban flower side hustle was thriving. The sun, glow and energy from the billboard never allowed the flowers to wilt, and I didn’t have to water them. I went to the roof and Sheryl Crow herself sang Soak Up the Sun as said sun turned my skin into a golden cookie fresh from the oven.

All of a sudden, it went completely dark. The Batman sign appeared on the billboard and Bruce Wayne appeared out of nowhere on the roof. He whispered, “Harness the big dick energy from this billboard while you can. Be careful. You know what Harvey Dent said: You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” He flew away.

After the Dark Knight left, everything changed. With no respect for salt, my hair turned completely pepper. Limp Bizkit’s old tour bus pulled up and Barack Obama stepped off. “Hair turning grey happens to the best of ’em under extreme stress.” He said from now on, all bubblers would have hot dog flavored water and all starfish at the beach would be chocolate covered (shout out Fred Durst). He gave me a to-do list that wouldn’t stop growing. Number one on the list: water the plants. I did, but they wilted and couldn’t be revived. Numbers 2-300 on the list: attempt to conceive before you need NuMale.

My mind felt like it was inside an Instant Pot. Then, Dwayne The Rock Johnson appeared and gave me a giant boulder and said I have to carry it on my back everywhere. It was really heavy and seemed unnecessary so I asked if I was going to be on The Titan Games. He slapped me, which caused me to wake up.

But I didn’t. It wasn’t a dream. I had just zoned out at work in a meeting about how to harness the healthy halo throughout Q1 to drive sales for organic produce. I couldn’t believe all of those thoughts were in my head at the same time. It had only been five minutes.

“Hey Jake, what do you think we should do? Which marketing tactics do you think are best here?”

“What about a billboard?

I think they still work.”