A friend of mine named Kelli was talking recently about her move. Her new neighborhood was predominantly gay, and she loved it. Especially the gym.

“It’s refreshing to go to the gym and not have anyone staring at you,” she said.

“Damn”, I thought. “Ladies really notice bros staring at them. I guess it makes sense. There are mirrors everywhere. Bros have to sit and rest between pec blasts. It’s boring. Girls that work out are in shape. Take it as a compliment, ladies. I never get stared at. Except for that one time a group of friends and I went to a Dave Matthews concert dressed as wrestlers.

We were like celebrities. That was awesome. What are you complaining about?! I guess it could get old. Cut bros some slack, though. You’re wearing a sports bra and spandex pants from the summer Sherwin Williams collection. Ugh. I hope I don’t stare too much. I probably do. My girl friends in high school caught me staring at their boobs a few times. They said I had slow eyes.”

“That’s cool. I’m glad you like your new neighborhood,” was the final bland smoothie reply that came from that 25-ingredient thought blender.

I wish I had said more. Bros have legitimate REASONS for staring at babes at the gym. We’re not just Neanderthals shackled by a biological burden to reproduce and keep the human race growing. I think you’ll see what I mean. Here are our a few of our reasons:

You’re wearing space pants

Workout spandex pants are insane. I’m looking straight ahead, focused on perfect tricep pulldown form (essential for distance off the tee), when a girl wearing pants with the goddamn solar system on them walks by. Is that the Big Dipper?

I’ve always wanted to go to space. The day NASA stopped building shuttles was a sad day. When I turn thirty, I’m going to fantasy space camp. Bros love planets. True story: I was shooting around at an open gym waiting to jump into a pickup basketball game when a bro (with a horse shoe branded into his bicep) next to me was telling another guy about how his favorite website was Space.com and he visits it every day. Mind blown.

Listen. It’s pretty simple. If you have workout pants with Uranus on them, you’re gonna have to deal with bros staring at ur anus. #TooEasy

Maybe we farted

I was on the treadmill a few weeks back. It was around 10 p.m. and the gym was pretty quiet – a woman two ‘mills over my only companion. I was pushing myself. I had to work off lot of recent pizza (meat lovers no less). A personal best two-mile time was in sight. An Avicii beat had just dropped.

Whoopsie daisies. A quick puff of smoke slipped out of the exhaust. Holy shit. I hope it doesn’t smell. I hope it doesn’t smell. Side eye working like crazy. Has she noticed? She hasn’t noticed. Is she running normally? She’s still running normally. Annddddddd…she stopped running and moved four machines down. It wasn’t because I was staring.

 Classes have gotten out of hand

Tell me which five of these six classes actually exist: Brooklyn Bridge Bootcamp, Candle Flow, SurfSet Classic, Barre Brawl, Tight End Zone, Pirate Booty and Arrrrhms. You can’t. Literally anything can be a class. The movements you’re making are wild. How am I not supposed to glance? Are we at the club or Ballys Total Fitness?! And some of you are very good dancers. I can’t dance at all. I’m looking for inspiration anywhere to add a third move to my current raise the rook or stand there like I’m super cool twerk arsenal. It’s wedding season. Shit’s getting serious. Just one time (one damn time!), I’d like to step onto the floor and dominate to Ignition when the bride asks me why I’m not dancing instead of nodding, giving a chill hand gesture and saying “In a bit. I’m just getting loose.” Drink chug. Sadness.

Your moves are sexercises

Come on now, ladies. The only difference between your gym work and Jim work is you asking if it’s in.

It gets straight NC-17 up in there. I get it. Women have different muscles that are important to them than men, but you’re wearing a bra and go from humping the air to extending your back on all fours to using that machine where the whole exercise is spreading your legs. I’m glad your hips are flexible, lower lumbar loose and inner thighs tightened, but picture us pile driving the air and asking if you like that instead of doing bicep curls and tell me you wouldn’t stare your ass off.

We recognize your shoes

The only designers I know are because of rap songs. Bros are used to hearing this conversation when ladies discuss fashion:

Katie: I love your shirt. Where’s it from?

Ashley: kjfkjdfsjf. Is that a new bag?! Who’s it by?

Katie: kjfkldshjfklds

At the gym, Micheal Kors isn’t doing partner sit-ups with you. Bros understand Nike. Nike was the Goddess of Victory. You look good in Nikes. Just doing it is refreshing. And we want to soak it in.

What do you think when you see a Brinks truck parked outside of the bank? How would I steal that money?

You can’t help it. It’s the same with bros staring at the gym. It’s not our fault. The reasons outlined above make that pretty clear. That being said, we’ll work on it. We’ll start with the bro in the mirror, make you feel more comfortable and catch a glimpse of your constellations in the reflection.