photo courtesy of Business Insider

You’re amazing. So phenomenal. Everything about you is incredible. Breathtaking. I love you in everything you do. Yes. Oh my god, you’re the best!

This is what making love to Jimmy Fallon has to be like. And that’s why Nancy Juvonen, Fallon’s wife, is the best lover on the planet. Listen to any Tonight Show interview and Jimmy slathers the admiration on his guests like Buffet Betty slathers the gravy on her biscuits. The adjectives, knee slaps and head-thrown-back giggles all work together in a beautiful bouquet of positivity and praise. Can you imagine being hit with so many compliments every time you knock the boots?

Those are the best boots.  So stylish and sexy! Your calves are perfect. Leave them on. Yes!

It would be impossible not to think you were Earth’s best lover after all those sexclamation points. I walk around like Ace Ventura for a week after my bologna pony simply earns a high-five. Now imagine what Nancy hears every night. Jimmy’s love of wonderful synonyms combined with his improv creativity means he has some positive dirty talk ready for any situation.

Consider these scenarios:

• If Nancy has a tough day at work (she’s a film producer, writer and co-owner of Flower Films with Drew Barrymore), she gets this when she comes home:

No one’s a better producer than you. Speaking of producing, let’s reproduce. You’re a great mom. Stunning. I appreciate you. That’s a five-star body. Our sex tape would get 100% on Rotten Tomatoes if you produced it. Let’s make a movie right now!!!!

• Holiday stress and staying with Jimmy’s family has her stressed and irritated? She hears (said quietly as to not wake anyone up):

Your body is a gift. I’m going to unwrap it now. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen. You’re a vixen. Give me the reins to this sleigh. I love your chimney. Ho ho hooooooo!

• Nancy thinks Jimmy is working late so she turns on a secretly TiVo’d episode of Jimmy Kimmel. She’s chuckling along to Britney Spears reading mean tweets when Jimmy bursts in wearing a robe, ready for action:

What? Damnit. This is bullcrap! Ugh. No, it’s not. I love Kimmel. We have the same first name. He’s really funny. Mean tweets is such a good idea. I would have made it nice tweets, but still clever. Wish I thought of it. But what the hell are you doing?! You know what’s another great idea I didn’t think of Nance?! Doggy style!! Angry Jimmy in the house tonight!!! 

• Maybe Nancy’s not in the mood. She’s missing Jimmy because he’s too busy working, prancing around playing Sticky Balls with Daniel Radcliffe.

Let the real game of sticky balls begin! Oh come on, Nance. You know I don’t even like Harry Potter. Just kidding. I love Harry. The books and the movies are great. But not as great as your goblet of fire hot body. Take me to your chamber of secrets. Let me be your wizard. Get on this broomstick!!!!!

Goodness gracious it would be amazing to make love with Jimmy Fallon. Compliment count would exceed his thread count. Not only would he make you think you’re the best lover on Earth, but can you imagine the supportive, cherry-on-top-of-the-sex sundae Jimmy would drop on you every Friday?

[note left on the table to find before leaving for work]

Thank you…beautiful wife. For developing my adjective vocabulary while riding this randy rocket through the gorgeous galaxy of positivity every night. And for simply being your beautiful, amazing, exquisite, marvelous, inspirational self.

No Jimmy. Thank you. You’re phenomenal.