I thought about you every day, Chip. It was the worst when it rained. I knew you were lonely, but I didn’t know what to say to you after all this time. From the high metabolism, steak burrito with sour cream, treat yoself college days to the almost an XL shirt, no rice burrito bowl, this is what eating out as an adult looks like days of yesterday, we’ve come a long way.
It’s natural, organic almost, for us to drift off course over those seven years, but you were out of line. Enough was enough.
You needed to grow up and get your shit together. You claimed you were wholesome and free of preservatives and fresh from a family farm in Iowa, and then you go around spreading E. Coli and Noroviruses?! Infecting 150 students at Boston College?! Experimenting in college was seven years ago, Chip! Holy shit.
Do I need to get tested?!
Just kidding. But, that was my first thought after hearing about all of this food poisoning you were cultivating behind my back. My second thought was that I knew we needed a timeout. If this was ever going to work in the long-run, I had to eat at other places.
Yes, I broke up with Chipotle for a little bit. Hate to admit it, but I tried some pretty weird shit to try and replace you, Chip. Went to farmer’s markets out of season. Wandered around Whole Foods just breathing in the air. Texted Dominos a few times to come over.
Sigh.
I ate a lot of buns. Got drunk and had unprotected snacks with promiscuous, Burrito Beach types. Ran with a new group of party friends and woke up to a lot of texts like this:
I’m not proud of it, but the time apart made me realize everything I took for granted.
I thought about you constantly, though. When girls walked by with rolled up yoga mats, I thought about your expertly rolled flour tortillas. When a co-worker mentioned Hulu, I snuck in a quick episode of Farmed and Dangerous on my lunch break (a Chipotle original comedy series that explores the outrageously twisted and utterly unsustainable world of industrial agriculture).
I wrote Haikus:
Feels good to be bad,
Fiestas with double meat,
Yet wholesome deep down.
I re-read old bags you left at my apartment searching for truth and guidance.
Damnit Chip, I know you’re sorry. Despite all of the slanderous sodium talk, I realize you’re good for me. I still love you. Our time apart is going to make us stronger. Improve our communication.
True love is recognizing someone’s flaws and loving them anyway. I get it. Sometimes, being organic means getting organic bacteria. It’s just who you are. Hahahehe, I love your #farmcharm.
I’ll be back tonight Chip. It’s time to make up.
Get ready to fork.