Look at that face. Admittedly, it seems much more likely Zeke has handle bars in his closet to dominate dat ass rather than being the little spoon, but I’m not 100% convinced.
The case for him being the big spoon is clear, but I think he has a sensitive side. Little spoon cuddles have to feel nice considering his heavy workload this season, leading the NFL in carries and yards as a rookie, and a few other reasons suggest little spooning might be his thing. For example:
Soup is a comfort food
He’s ate a lot of soup this year, feeding himself vigorously in every almost second half this season as the Cowboys milk the clock in another win. The second half of most games is at a non-traditional meal time, 2 p.m. for noon games, around 5:30 for 3:30 p.m. games (still early for non senior citizens), and around 9 p.m. for prime time Sunday/Monday games. (For everyone that thinks he’s eating cereal, that’s fine. There’s no doubt in my mind it’s a guilty pleasure cereal like Fruity Pebbles or Count Chocula, so this comfort theory still applies.) He doesn’t need to be eating at these times. But that warm soup feels good.
And somehow he doesn’t gain weight. Which brings us to…
That cutoff shirt
Zeke just wants to feel. Having his unprotected obliques skid across the turf after being tackled by Vince Wilfork makes him feel alive. The same goes for after the game. He wants to lay in bed and feel a tender little spoon touch on his abs as he dozes off and dreams about riding a unicorn with Michael Irvin.
He’s clearly generous
He bought his offensive lineman John Deer UTVs for Christmas and jumped into the Salvation Army kettle after scoring a touchdown against the Tampa Bay Bucs. In the 24 hours that followed his #ZekeKettleLeap, the Salvation Army rose $180,971, a huge spike according to Salvation Army Lt. Col. Ron Busroe.
He’s not all lowered shoulders and stiff arms.
He’s never completely in charge
He relies on his offensive line to open up holes for him. I can see this carrying over to his personal life and Zeke letting Emma-Claire and Ruby-Grace take care of him after opening up the strong side v-gap with pancake blocks.
Elliott is used to getting tackled his whole life
He’s not the tackler. Being the little spoon feels natural yet safe. If he was the big spoon, a tackler’s mentality might creep in. He could empathize with what Clay Matthews is trying to do to him out there and not have as deep of a desire to push the pile. He can’t let that happen.
He has a seriously cozy beard
Again, with the coziness. That beard hugs his face like this guy hugs lions.
I can easily picture that beard in a cabin drinking a scotch next to the fire in flannel PJs.
Or he’d be drinking….
#DrinkthePink
He supports dog adoption
A big spoon would get their dog from a breeder. He also created an Instagram profile for his dog, Ace (@theaceelliot).
He posts baby photos of himself
Adorable. Regardless of the rookie rushing records and Pro Bowls, Zeke is still a kid at heart. James Harrison doesn’t take this approach. He’s all intimidation, all the time. He wants to buy a membership in your brain.
In the PLAYOFFS, can you compete against guys like this if you post baby pictures, eat your feelings, give to charities and wear more crop tops than your single friend Sarah who’s just joined Orange Theory and lost 30 pounds?
Will the protein difference in the amount of beef stew big spoons can eat compared to little spoons be the difference on 4th and short?
Does showing his sensitive side make Zeke one of these snotty millennials who thinks he’s entitled to reach the Super Bowl in his first year?
Does the fact Aaron Rodgers likes to stab Olivia Munn in the back with his morning wood sword make him more of a man than Ezekiel?
On Sunday, we’ll find out.