Even if you’ve never heard the song Jenny from the Block, wouldn’t dream of cock- blocking a friend and hate legos, writer’s block will affect you.
When you have writer’s block, you write an the opening sentence like the above.
Writing under the best circumstances is hard (The best circumstances I fantasize about would be sitting down at a Starbucks with a Colbie Caillat and Dan Henig alternating between songs after just running a personal best 3 miles along the lake and being stopped by your college crush who handed you a coupon for free Chick-Fil-A and telling me to eat it because I look great and deserve it.) While you wait for your personal writing fantasy to come true, here are five perhaps unorthodox techniques to help you cure writer’s block so you can reply to that passive aggressive work email, make a first impression on Tinder, send a heartwarming thank you note or beef up your LinkedIn profile because of said work email.
Unexpectedly see a man naked
This works best after an early morning run in the locker room. How do I know? Let’s just say the early bird gets the worm. I’m not sure why it works, and I don’t really want to know, but there’s something about unexpectedly seeing a man’s dough snake while still half asleep fantasizing about the snooze button that oddly arouses the creative juices.
*This isn’t exactly something you can/should seek out. It happens by accident, so the key is to recognize your vocab becoming more prodigious and hop on those résumé action verbs you’ve been putting off.
Get a haircut at the Haircuttery
You think about more random shit while getting your swoop snipped than almost any other place on Earth. The last time I was at The Haircuttery, I thought about all of the following things, in no particular order: The cool story I’d make up if Tyleasha (see you soon girl) cuts my ear off, what the Uggs’ marketing team could do to convince me to wear them, Natalie Imbruglia, that movie where Adam Sandler becomes the hottest hairdresser in town because he makes love to locks AND the ladies, if I did enough this week to pay $5 extra for the scalp massage (duh), and what I’d name my new pontoon boat.
It just happens. After you discuss where you live and how your weekend was, there’s a lot of quality thinking time for yourself. It’s incredibly refreshing.
Go to church
I’ve never felt sexier than the last time I went to church. No competition and the eager eyes of 76-year-old Grandma Gertrude’s can lift your holy spirit in less time than it takes to sing Angels We Have Heard on High. Altos in the choir are generally the most generous with compliments, and if you’re lucky, you’ll hear right after communion concludes just how handsome you’re looking.
*This is pretty Sunday-specific, and as I imagine very few of you are writing on the day of rest, so it might not be applicable to you right away. But as James 5: 7-8 tells us, patience will pay off.
Write a poem on your friend’s Facebook wall
Don’t be lazy. Rhyming will open your vocab up, and it’s your friend’s big day; he’s already going to receive 43 “Happy birthday!” messages. Chad’s parents didn’t get fornicate in Jerry’s Corner Tap bathroom for that nonsense. Let the rivers of your heart’s ventricles flow, and write something like this:
Read your spam inbox
Most people simply select all and delete. Basic move. Most people also thought the world was flat until Pythagoras dropped some knowledge. Your spam inbox will open your mind to new ways to capitalize and spell words. It’ll show you the value of being direct and using action verbs. It most likely will seduce you into some sexier sentences.
*In conclusion, I did 3 of the 5 tips above before attempting to write this, and all the haircut and man dong got me for an ending was:
Hope this helps.