Bird scientists love boobs.

I was reading Science Daily yesterday and wanted to keep you abreast of the latest scientific findings. There’s a bird called the “Blue Tit.”

Photo of a blue tit bird, one of many birds named after boobs.

In the “Related Stories” sidebar, there’s an article about a bird called the “Great Tit”.

Neither article makes any tongue-in-cheek acknowledgement of these names. How desperate is Science Daily for page views?! For fuck’s sake, if I named every morning Good Shit post “Check Out My Big Balls in Sexy Trunks” I could get some clicks too.

After reading the articles and learning that bright birds make good mothers, I remembered the animal biology unit in Mrs. Kurtz’s science class and the Blue-Footed Booby. (When there’s two, they’re called Boobies.)

What in the blue tits is going on? Why are so many birds named after fun bags? Scientists love boobs I guess, which is awesome, but why did pick such boring adjectives to describe the tits (why not phenomenal instead of great)? I have no idea, but some of the boring-ass birds obvi need to be renamed.

Woodpeckers = Big Knockers

Owls = Furry Hooters (Since this is already kinda accepted, this can be the first name to help the public ease in)

Pelicans = Jugs Jaws

Sparrows = Satisfying Motorboats

Cardinals = Hendricks

Puffins = Puff Up Bras

Beyond renaming existing birds, all new bird species should be named after fat biscuits. The science community hasn’t had a ton of buzz since Jurassic Park, and this new naming concept could have multiple applications. For example:

All birds are renamed for Breast Cancer Awareness month and bird-watching events raise money for research.

The Audubon Society has Facebook caption contests to rename almost extinct birds, simultaneously giving them great PR buzz, Facebook content, getting them over 100,000 fans (weak), and helping save birds.

Shark Week is so 2009. Sexed-up birds are coming in 2015. I’m titillated.