Sometimes you’re having a bad day. You’ve already spilled coffee on your new beige Antrho fringed poncho, you (once again) didn’t make any boat friends this summer and your boss Melissa still hasn’t used “you’re” correctly this week. Everyone around you is overjoyed it’s fall.
Three-latter lattes are being Snapchatted. Bros’ tummies are tingling ’cause they can eat that extra slice of Papa Johns (and dip the crust in all the sauces!) and a sweater will cover it up. Leaf-interrupted sunrises are being Instagrammed. Golden-delicious picking rendezvous are being planned. So. many. earth. tones.
You don’t need that shit. Your mood’s as pale as your skin (once again). All you want is a friend. Someone who’s sad it’s fall. Someone who’s vision isn’t blinded by pumpkin-shaded spectacles. I want to be that friend. I want this post to be the Tide stick that makes your Antrho poncho good as new. Fall sucks. We both know it. Here’s why:
Fall is selfish
It’s by far the shortest season and expects we all love it the most. Imagine if your parents only talked to you on your birthday, Christmas and Thanksgiving. Would you still love them the most?
Fall also never brings anything new to the table. There are colorful leaves and three-letter lattes and stupid nostalgic Halloween movies people think are good because they can eat dirt cake and drink their spooktacular bitches brew but actually suck huge demon d. Why don’t you bring us flowers once in a while, Fall? Maybe try bringing something spontaneous and new to your gourd-center-pieced table. There’s a new song of the summer every. damn. summer. Winter is coming. Winter is coming! Every spring, hope blooms eternal and people improve their homes by cleaning.
Basics still toot your seasonal horn with jab-myself-in-the-eye-with-a-needle jokes about the three-latter latte for F’s sake.
Pumpkins aren’t even in the top 5 of tasty fruits
Did you even know pumpkins were fruits? I could name at least 50 fruits that are better than pumpkins. People smash pumpkins. No one would do that to a strawberry.
Football causes brain damage
You know who’s on my Fantasy team? I can’t remember because I’ve had too many concussions. That’s what all your favorite college All-Americans will be saying in 10 years after just getting promoted to regional manager at Enterprise Car Rental (great management program). Everyone gets all excited about football season and the prospect of winning a net $37 on DraftKings and incessantly telling anyone nearby, but do you ever think about the concussed, CTE-having people involved? You and I do, person having a bad day.
Leaves need raking
Colorful leaves are a pretty sight for the eyes. But what about the backs of the people who have to rake them? Probably never thought about that while cruising down Deciduous Drive in your Range Rover.
With people getting lazier and lazier, leaf blowers are becoming more common. Did you know leaf blowers emit more pollutants than Ford F-150s? Mmmm, carbon monoxide is the best.
It’s the appetizer to winter
Good evening sir, would you like to try some delicious crab cakes? They’ve got some kind of seasoning on here. It must be sprinkled. And now it’s time for the main course: Chicken liver marinated in anchovies with a side of broccoli topped with fresh chef hair.
“Hey John, how was your meal at the Colorful Oak the other night?”
Have to consider all the courses when evaluating dinner. Same sort of deal with Fall. It’s OK, but winter is coming. Gotta be a big picture person when it comes to the seasons.
Halloween is for people wearing masks
As my Euro to Bro partner Burke pointed out to me, everyone is already wearing a mask every day. Why do we need a holiday to celebrate it?
Fall is great for snuggling – unless you’re alone
It’s tough to snuggle with air. Sure, it’s cozy to sit on a park bench in your matching couple scarves drinking cider, admiring nature’s paintbrush and talking about how you need trees in your yard one day so your private school kids can frolic in foliage piles grown from the roots of love. We will switch off raking, hehehehe. It’s not nearly as romantic sitting on that same bench by yourself wearing a Henley, drinking a Muscle Milk and flashing puppy dog eyes at a girl walking by in a Bears jersey hoping those inviting eyes will get her to think:
“I really wish I wasn’t day drinking and watching football. The Bears are terrible. I would much rather snuggle up with a muscular man who could fill out a Henley and watch Narcos. Will he think it’s weird that’s the show I want to watch? Who cares? Wait, this guy sort of looks like he could be that guy. I wonder if he’s thinking the same thing. No way, he’s probably just waiting for his bench snuggler. I’m not gonna make an ass of myself. Even if I did make an ass of myself and it worked out, I couldn’t cutely sneak up behind him and grab his butt when I saw him randomly because of all these loud ass leaves. Sigh. Leaves hate love. And I couldn’t lustfully make out with him (way too early) in the rain like I’ve always to because it’s cold as shit in fall and I don’t want to be shivering. ”
Speaking of rain, I wish it was raining right now. I’m with you, person having a bad day. I’m putting on that sad Sarah McLachlan song from Toy Story 2, not getting my flu shot, picturing this world in black and white and hoping.