When I see this posted on someone’s Facebook timeline, I want to punch myself in the dick.

This is how you want to celebrate a friend’s special day?  You literally can’t think of one creative sentence a year? The birthday girl’s parents, who made sweet love 26 years and 9 months ago, should slap you in the face.

(BTW: This lazy birthday keyboard shart is especially disrespectful to December babies, who already get screwed in the gift department by the combining gifts crowd.)

Behold sassier, more creative ways to wish someone a happy birthday on Facebook.

1. Re-purpose Simple Photos (of yourself or friends):

If you’re in a rush, don’t exactly know what to say, have an INCREDIBLE photo burning a hole in your camera roll or just want to get back on the radar of a hot college friend by showing off your clever side now that you have a good job (but without using any words), a simple photo will do the trick.

Three quick examples:

2. Thoughtful Words:

My friends really know how to make a guy feel special. As you can see, there are many different thoughtful approaches you can take, ranging from invoking the Good Book, to recipes to prose Shakespeare would be proud of.

My ovaries are fluttering.

3. Utilize the “Your Friendship” feature on Facebook.

Simply go to the birthday boy’s profile and click here:

You’re then presented with every magical wall interaction you’ve had since you’ve been friends. As you might imagine, this is pretty damn amusing. For me, 2008 was a year spent learning about simple business principles, watching Step Brothers and generally doing college things on Facebook that probably delayed my first job by six months.

4. Write a Poem:

The key here is to use all of the ammo you have on your friend with a light splash of homoeroticism.

5. Drop a New Nickname:

So maybe you’re super busy and want to use the two minutes you have in the post workout fro-yo line to say spread some birthday cheer, at least add a nickname to the end of your birthday message. Something like:

Happy birthday Tickles.

6. Remix a Song:

Pop songs with numbers in them are a little easier to make a birthday remix about than others. I’d recommend T-Swift’s 22 or Miley’s 23.

7: Use PowerPoint Photoshop

PowerPoint photo editing is the diamond in the rough of birthday message creation, and it’s really easy to do. Basically, you just paste the two photos you want to combine both into PowerPoint. Then:

• Right click on the image you want on top and select ‘Bring to Front”
• Move the top image where you want it, then select both images by clicking on one, holding the control/command key and then clicking on the other
• With both images selected, right click and select “Group”
• You can now save the two combined image as one

Tip: Watch this fantastic video on how to separate someone’s head from the rest of a photo in PowerPoint so you can place your friend’s head in any situation. A website called LunaPic is also a simple circle photo editing tool.

Here are two examples of how this all comes together:

Alright, those are the best birthday tricks of the trade I’ve seen applied in my 10 years on Facebook, but I’d love to hear more of your favorite social media birthday moves. Hit me with them in the comments. And on my birthday, a simple poke will do.