Alrighttt. Pretty solid workout today. Glad that’s over. Gonna step up the intensity a little bit next time but not bad, not bad. ‘Bout to get ‘dis Chipotle double chicken no rice burrito bowlll. Fuck. Of course. 367 open lockers in here and we got 5-toe shoes wearing, Mt. Kilimanjaro climbing, 14th career triathlon training guy changing at the locker directly next to mine. Every goddamn time. Couldn’t have shimmied out of his spandex 5 minutes earlier, or 5 minutes later. Or literally any other time than right now.
Nothing else in life lines up as nicely and as often as someone changing directly next to me when I’m trying to leave the gym efficiently. Imagine if a butler carrying crab cakes appeared as soon as your stomach grumbled or a stylist re-arranged your curls every time it was humid and windy. Nope, just at the gym. And this tortoise-changing-dick makes me feel like a dick (all while seeing his dick) because I could just barge past him, grab my things, and change a short agility ladder away from him in peace.
But no. I don’t want to be rude. I’ll just wait for you to finish changing sir. NBD. I’m not in that much of a hurry. Oh. You’re going to take 20 minutes to slide on your Lulu athletic pants, sweatshirt, windbreaker, and man muffs (when it’s 45 degrees out). Mmmk. I’ll just lose myself in the BS Report and thoughts of abs gone by for a bit.
What the FUCK takes you so long for you to change?! I’ve never seen anything so consistently slow for no reason in my life. Unless there is a reason. These are the only reasons my bamboozled brain can muster for why EVERYONE next to me is stuck in a quicksand molasses protein shake:
- They hate their life/wife and are delaying getting back to it/her for as long as possible.
- I get this. I take longer showers on days I know are going to be a bitch at work.
- They set some serious personal bests during that workout session are replaying the key deadlifts in their head.
- There is some sort of secret love meeting mischievousness going on.
- I sincerely hope it’s this. Guys just looking for love outside of the bar. The struggle is real. I can dig it.
Or maybe the great Father Spirit is testing my patience. Slow down, Jake. Stop and smell the swamp ass. Life isn’t all about efficiency and fast-food, farm-fed chicken. Don’t let society get the best of…Move motherfucker. It’s Monday. I’m getting out of here.