There’s a lot of abs in your face these days. Between the Olympics and Bachelor in Paradise, it’s pretty much non-stop hard body karate. After you think about doing some Greco-Roman wrestling with these Greek statues in your fantasy suite, your second thought might be that you want to date one of them. I wish Chad would try swimming. I’d like to Lochte in a guy with better abs. No. Not smart. No one uses washboards anymore to wash clothes. Here are seven reasons why dating a human with abs isn’t a good idea.
Always Crabby
Having a six-pack means eating perfectly. Five little meals. Almonds and other superfoods for snacks. Constantly starving. Imagine what it’s like when you’re hungry. Or your friends are hungry and everyone is trying to figure out Friday night plans at 5:30 on Friday. I’m not always going to be the one who decides what we do!!!! Hangry is everyone’s least favorite combined word. Now imagine dating someone who has so much more energy now that they eat right and great abs but that energy is hangry energy (hanergy, triple combo, extra points) taken out on you.
Never Spontaneous
Discipline is key to the six pack. Everything has to be planned. Salmon fillets are delicately put into Tupperwares and eggs are lovingly hard-boiled on the stove while you want to start watching The Night Of. Legs and back are Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Chest and arms are Tuesday and Thursday. Spontaneous fun is never.
He’s not planning a surprise weekend jaunt to Michigan to go on local winery tours. A Culver’s pit stop because the flavor of the day is Brownie Batter Overload isn’t in the cards. He’d rather stay in with his kale chips than go to the movies because he knows you’re going to peer pressure him into getting popcorn and cheat day isn’t until tomorrow. He can’t make sweet love because he’s tired from squatting and has to get up in 5 hours to swim laps. You need a man that’s more interested in your breasts than chickens’ breasts.
Wakes You Up Every Morning
Speaking of waking up early, there’s no way his #riseandgrind behavior doesn’t have an impact on your REM cycle. Right after Jake Gyllenhaal turns around and winks at you from atop his unicorn and starts to tell you about his favorite Besides the Weather articles you’re rustled awake by the sounds of spandex being shimmied on and Asics being laced. This might be ok once a week. Maybe I’ll get up too. Crank out some early morning emails and impress the boss. But Every. Damn. Day. Between your lack of z’s and his previously discussed crabbiness, there legitimately might be a murder. Now you’re not getting any sleep because Crazy Eyes, Taystee and Pennsatucky are whispering in your ear. Real slippery slope.
Not Fun to Go Out to Eat With
Again with the food. We’ve covered a lot of eating ground already. All more that needs to be said is he probably eats salad at pizza places. And appetizers are for the weak.
Limited Personality
Having to stare at the bottom of the pool or run long distances or focus on trying not to die at Shred 69 isn’t good for personality development. He’s never had to make a joke about why he can’t climb the rope in gym class. The mirror always smiles and bites its lip back. He’s great when the music’s loud, but what about at brunch? And on G chat at work. Andddd on walks through the botanical gardens.
Liars
I don’t know much about swimmers or guys with abs, but based on current events he’ll probably say you put a gun to his head and stole his heart when you actually just tried to give him a playful HJ during Sausage Party.
You Can Take a Stand for Positive Male Body Image
Did you know some guys hope it rains when they’re on beach vacations? Jewel doesn’t stock enough Brobani Greek yogurt to satisfy society’s bicep expectations. Take a stand. Let’s make the world a positive body image planet for everyone. Dad bods and PBRs are greater than Henleys and acoustic guitars (did I just write a country song?!).
Kjfl;dkflknfkljdns. Ah damnit. Sorry that typing got weird.
I was doing sit-ups.
