I get it, guys. Using me to represent dicks is fun. If I could text other fruits of the garden, I’d send them eggplants all day. I don’t always know what to say when the taco and drumstick want to have a bros night and I need to make an excuse for not hanging out be less lame. It’s funny to ask girl friends how a date ended by simply sending me with a question mark. Being a part of sexts and feeling the anticipation when the … pops up on the screen is exhilarating.

I like being a sex symbol. Eggplants and peaches make life.

But take me out to dinner first once in a while, eh? Maybe for Valentine’s Day?

The onion gets all the credit for having layers, but I have feelings and a personality too. Beneath my glossy nightshade exterior is a fruit of unique taste and texture. I like indie films and poetry. Here’s a poem I wrote:

Roses are red,

Corn emojis are yella,

Use him once in a while,

When sexting a fella.

Speaking of other dick emojis, have a little cleverness and class every now and then. You can easily get your sexting point across with something like this and leave me out of it:

My rocket ship is ready for your tunnel of love.

Boom. Makes you think of sex and space. That’s pretty cool. Time for blast off.

I’m looking especially hard at you vegetarians. You’re constantly texting me around in a sexual fashion. Whose always there for you when you’re at nice restaurants with your carnivore friends? That’s right. Me. Eggplant Parmesan for days. Is it because you don’t get any meat in real life you feel like you have to constantly send me as a dick all day ? Sorry, I’m being an eggplant emoji.

I’m not a dick. I can’t take myself too seriously. I’d like a little boat ride before the fireworks every once in a while, but don’t go overboard being nice to me. Using me as a dick is hilarious.

This Beyonce Drunk in Love emoji reenactment from Jesse Hill really tickles my seeds.

I like making people laugh. I enjoy helping humans that don’t love each other boink. I don’t want to be cocky, but I’m a girthy total package.

But did you know I’m banned from Instagram? Yep. People used me in so many captions of them tappin’ ass that now I can’t tap beautiful sunsets. It makes me sad sometimes. I love photography. No one knows that.

I just wish people would remember I’m a nutritious fruit, too. I’m high in fiber and filled with antioxidants.

The banana calls me the most emo emoji sometimes when I get like this. I’m done. Thanks for hearing me out. And whether you see me next innocently in the grocery store or friskily in your texts, I hope I leave you satisfied.