Suddenly, you can’t fit into half your closet. Your belt’s a goddamn boa constrictor and the buttons on Saturday’s go-to slim fit are more stressed than Missy Elliot’s least favorite lovers at the 59-second mark.
Being a few rising crusts above you ideal weight is a depressing and lonely time. You long for 32 X 32 Wranglers gone by and stand sideways while making weird chin adjustments during every photo you take.
How are you supposed to feel better?
These stretches (of time and waist) are unavoidable in life for everyone. Sometimes, your post holidays birthday falls on the Tuesday before your Wednesday Alma Mata quarterly B-school mixer before the Thursday co-worker “most collaborative team” happy hour before (Friday + Saturday duh) the Divisional Playoff football Sunday before MLK Day. Six days of drinking in a row after Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, and NYE will take their toll. (This list included the holidays to make you feel better about your – ok fine my – recent consecutive six day drinking stretch to celebrate…life.)
Or you broke your foot on the bunny hill at Cascade Mountain. Or you’ve been dating someone for 2+ years and don’t care anymore. Or Little Caesar’s intros a new pizza with a bacon crust. Whatever the reason, here are a few tips to feel thinner without working out, or eating right, to help you get through these challenging times.
Free Ball It
I had just finished a grueling 2-mile, 18-minute lunch time run (yikes) at the company gym when I realized I forgot to pack myself a pair of briefs for the afternoon. Oooooo. A freeballing afternoon could be fun. Gotta be careful with these dress pants though. Saw a guy’s moose knuckle so clearly on a wedding trolley this past summer I may never set foot on one again.
As I strolled back to my desk feeling mischievously and dangerously empowered, I also noticed I had a lot more room to operate at the waistline. These runs are quickly starting to pay off, I thought to myself as I smiled. Obviously, I had only shed my elastic briefs waistband, but it feels pretty much the same as how you do after eating only egg white McMuffins and original size Potbelly sandwiches for three days straight. In picture form, it feels sort of like this:
Boxers = Alcatraz.
Buy Some New Balances
I’ve seen a lot of large men in New Balances. Every single one of them has had my admiration within two minutes of meeting them. They all seemed fleeter of foot, wickedly smart and with a few tricks up their sleeve. These hefty, freshly-foundationed men somehow seem to know about all the underground music shows and tastiest hidden delis before all other Converse and Air Max wearers. Speaking of which, the Air Max is the most interesting fat guy/skinny guy shoe in the game. If you’re thin, they give you a nice, solid base. If you’re slightly husky, they make you look slower than Rik Smits giving Brian Scalabrine a piggy back ride.
Wear Ties More Often, Leave Top Button Unbuttoned
“Is that a hickie on your neck?” Nope. Just a collar mark caused by my expanding neck fat. Damn, does a tight dress shirt collar leave a mark. No matter how big you get, everyone always says you look nice if you’re wearing a tie. Wearing one more often will give the impression you’re getting your shit together and mean business. And you’ll create more ROI, even though your BMI is the same.
Sleep until 11 a.m.
2 meals a day baby! Eating is a numbers game. Why not simply eliminate 300-500 calories right out of the gate while snuggled under the covers blissfully riding unicorns with Olivia Munn? You then obvi get to splurge a little on lunch and dinner to make up for the calories you burned prancing in the meadows catching butterflies with that weird guy from finance you now awkwardly and uncontrollably smirk at when you pass in the hall and he has NO idea why. Why did HE pop up in my dreams?!
Invest in Quality Zip-Ups
A nice zip-up effortlessly wraps your body in a sporty and delicious (wheat) tortilla. Even if I feel about as athletic as Ron Jeremy in a recliner, my black Nike zip-up gives me a hug and soothingly says: “the diet starts tomorrow big guy. You look like you played sports back in the day. Now, you’re just a coach passing on the fundamentals of basketball, and life, to the next generation in your free time that used to be spent on the treadmill. That’s much more meaningful.”
Don’t Wash Your Pants for a Bit
Ah yeahhhh, fresh and clean. Excited to get these pants back in the rotat….
Holy cats are newly washed chinos tight when you first put them on.
In the history of men, I’ve never heard of someone getting called out for wearing the same pants 3+ days in a row. I’ve worn the same damn denim for an entire week (House of Cards premiere week is no time for laundry) and never even received a second glance. Save a few Tide pods until your calzone crevice no longer jiggles when you hit minor bumps in the road. You’ll be happier.
Get Semi-Sick
Saved the best tip for last. This is easily the most sure-fire, no-effort weight loss tactic on this list. Unfortunately, it’s also the trickiest. The key is get only a medium level of sick so your appetite is decreased, but you can still go about your day as a functioning human with a job.
Because getting sick on purpose is something rarely strived for and getting the right level of sick is hard to do, it’s best to hedge your illness bets. This way, even if you end up in the hospital or are still healthy (and fat) as an ox, you’ll have a story or more street cred. Here are a few of the best ways I can think of to try and get semi-sick:
- Walk around in freezing temperatures in a hardo sweatshirt instead of a coat
- Try bowling alley ceviche (Diversey Rock & Bowl in Chicago has it.)
- Turkey Tom has had a turkey in 27-straight games. Did you know he eats ceviche every week before the Funtimers league starts?! Goddamn, that guy is a legend.
- Eat pizza left out for 3+ days
- Similar to a Shred415 class, your immune system needs a challenge to stay at peak performance
- Try that probiotic product Erin Andrews endorses
- Get to work at 6 a.m. every day for a week on five hours of sleep
- Ben Franklin only needed four hours a night
Expertly executed, you’ll get in the rare sickness zone where your brain can only think about essential material, blocking out all extraneous bullshit that usually slows productively and distracts you. You’ll become a skinnier Rainman serial killer that everyone will respect but no one will want to talk to.
Phew. That 7-course feast is finished. #NoDessertTho If you’re hungry for more tips on how to feel slimmer without working out, check out this article written last year, when I was still more Dove than Victoria’s Secret.